Pageviews past week

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Updates and Memories

I had jotted a lot of things down offline shortly after meeting my birth father yet it doesn't appear I shared a lot on here.

Here is one post:
So there were the headlights from across the parking lot getting closer.  We forgot to tell him what we'd be driving but we were the only ones there.  The truck wasn't truly blue but may have been in the daylight.  Last minute I thought, "what if it's all a scam?  Is it him?  Surely there wouldn't be that many accomplices."  All those thoughts vanished immediately as jumped out of the car with his spoiled doggy now watching from the drivers seat.  It was him,  I knew by the smile, the familiarity of his presence.  It was so him.  Just as things should be, perhaps should have been all along.  But all we have is now and it was all in place-finally.  Love.  Total comfort and acceptance.  This is Dad and I love him.  :-)

Didn't take any time at all to be comfortable.  First time in 43 years I see my father and it was just natural-perfect.  Within a day I was helping him with his pc skills and fixing the john.  I was even talkin' shit :-)   He has the kind of humor you have to pay attention too.  He doesn't just hand you the punch line--you have to listen for it.  Makes it even funnier.  He is so affectionate, warm and witty. Just the opposite of the father I grew up with who acted as though I was a deadly disease waiting to spread if he were to touch me.  My father was disgusted by any show of affection.  My Dad, who I just now met,  seemed to connect with me like we hadn't skipped a beat.  So much in common,  I now know a lot of things were not environmental.  His good genes were probably what kept me from flipping out entirely all these years.

We even look a little alike.
Everything just makes sense now, as if it all fell into place.  I don't dare think of the time wasted, the days of my life spent without him.  I focus on the fact that for the first time in my long hard life,  I felt like my babies must have when I poured all my love into them with a simple hug and kiss.  When I held them like they were all that mattered.  I finally mattered.  And I don't, for once, mind admitting that I needed to.

Yet another found pretty handy written while fresh in my mind:
He is extremely handsome, trim and charming for his age or any other.  Totally cool and charming, yet compassionate.  Rare to know anyone like that and yet I get him as a Dad.  He is kind to the environment and animals including humans. 
I really want for him to be happy yet I know of no one worthy of him. 

Dad takes beautiful photos, mostly of nature and has worked all his life.  He even works hard on his hobbies and it shows, as his landscaping is beautiful and original.

I've been back home for a week and miss him already.  Our week long visit wasn't enough time.  

I'm looking forward to another visit to my BirthDad's next year. I'd like to see Mom again too although our plans got sabotaged recently. We were to meet in our birth city but I was held up by some pressing business here quite longer than I should have been. Truth is, I am not free yet-perhaps I will never be. But we(my youngest and only dependent and I)  must get a move on. It's time for us.

My Adopted family is gone now. Mom died in 2007, Aunt in 2011, Dad 2012 and My uncle passed way back in 1980. It's me. It actually always has been. Perhaps the whole belonging and bonding thing was foreign to me. I've got more of an idea now though. No ones fault, it has nothing to do with fault. But sometimes we have to just face up to human nature. Basic instincts that we deny most of the time until they seem non existent. Primal stuff. I feel human almost for the first time, or perhaps, the second.


I've finished reading Blackbird, Show me the way, Still waters, and Found   by Jennifer Lauck
They are stand alone for the most part --The first and last book are the best in my opinion. There are some things we had in common and some things quite different but interesting just the same. What she describes about the separation of infant and mother makes a lot of sense. ALOT.

I do now dare to think of the what ifs from time to time. Although I try hard not to dwell. It might have been fine just staying "home". Well, at least for me. It might not have been so grand for Mom. It definitely would have been hell on Grand Dad who would have surely disowned her. I doubt very much I'd be allowed to address him as such. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have wanted to. Maybe Dad could have swung it with a child, after all he dropped out of school to work in hopes of doing just that. Just a curious thing is all. We'll never know.