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Sunday, October 23, 2005

"I wuw woo"

There would have been a few frames in between these,  but this is where Gran'Angel says, "I wuw woo" to her granny.  Just watching her lil lips form those words is awesome.  And hearing those words is a trip!  Of course, she hears these very words from me at least every other sentence, so it only makes sense she would pick up on these words.  To look in her eyes though, convinces me that she means it.  She talks so much now!  It's rare she ever crys.  When she does cry it mean something is terribly wrong.  Like she is saying,"Come quick!  I think it may be my stomach.  It's going empty! Hurry!  Yeah the bottle thing!"  or "Uh oh, I'm too wet.  Hurry, get rid of this!" 
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Autumn in Oklahoma

This is my first blog entrie posted from my photobucket account to blogger.  Recently, I've been on a quest for color here in Tulsa (and surrounding areas).  These kind of look like "left over summer shots" lol.  I'm also playing with my new digital--editing my night shots with no flash on Picasa, and uploading to Photobucket.  I've turned off a few of my features on the cam itself because I like the contrast as I view it.  I'm finding that I end up needing some fill light on some these shots, however.  I may need to adjust my new cam again accordingly. 
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Celebration station in Tulsa.  Kiddo took me there in honor of my Birthday.
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This is my everyday work tree that I view as I take my smoke break. 
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I sharpened it a tad--again, still playing around.
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My 10 ft mutant Tithonias still plentiful and full of butterflies.
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One of the last roses visible in my garden.
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This was taken near Utica and 21st-31st area in Tulsa.  I noticed alot more color there as I drove thru. 

As I was driving,  I realised I just may have to return for more pics.  I got this one thanx to a red light lol. 

Friday, September 09, 2005

FF 1.5 beta 1

Ok so here it goes----It seems like I can blog once again with this new FF. However this is an ugly one and I've lost most of my cute extensions for now anyways. I guess it's a trade off for the faster browsing. Worth it for now anyways. I really miss my purple bunny though. It was fun for the day or so it lasted.
At least I can now return to my Blogger and use my favorite browser to do so. I'm still not sure what happened with my non beta one but here I be.
I'm going to check out other compatiblity issues with this --so far so good.
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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Blogger Dear Blogger

The typical box cover of Lucky CharmsImage via Wikipedia

I have returned once again with a new browser in hopes of using my favorite blog once again---I still see some strange jumping around, however my fonts appear almost instantly upon typing them.
Perhaps this will mean the return to my blogging home for me. This is not the best pic of Leo I have but lil one took it and it's a natural one from her short perspective lol.
It's funny how sometimes "Hi, how are you?" seems to lead another into sharing their lack of clothes and morals with you but for some reason this just keeps happening. I've had to leave yahoo land once again for this reason. Damn computer must have crashed again lmao.
I guess I'm just strange ,but for me the thoughts of looking at my square moniter doesn't make me all hot and bothered---at least not enough to get naked. I'm amazed at the people who become aroused by their keyboards yet haven't a thing original to type. Oh baby baby ____insert name, etc etc.
For all they know I could have hairy knuckles and no neck-it just doesn't stop them. Nor does it stop them when I try to explain that I tripped over a boob this morning while I was rubbing my legs together in hopes of starting a bush fire to heat the house for the 10 kids. Just one of those things I suppose.
I live such a G-rated life. I just feel like I'm too young to be tied down with a man right now. Maybe when I'm 50 or 60. And that casual humpety hump thing is just not for me. Hell, I don't even see me naked, why should anyone else? There are other ways of getting a laugh,you know? Oh well, always after my lucky charms.................
I love my job. I wish my co-workers did. They don't seem to like to work. I think I've covered that few dozen times already though. I truly miss my days at the massage clinic. I quit when the economy was so bad though. It became like gambling income-wise though. Rich one week poor the next two. And too much BS working for someone else. My good clientelle didnt always want to go where I was working. You
couldn't blame them either. I need to find a way to include my massage therapy in my current place of employment either as employee or seperate contract. I haven't done my homework as to which would be wisest. I already provide free services to residents so it would be aimed at employees. It would have to be reasonable in cost to them. Or it would have to be a set rate from the employer ---I'll look into it further.
I miss most the idea of people longing to see me and skipping thru the rest of the week after having done so. Funny thing is my back always felt a lot better when I was helping others'.
It's five am and I had better start thinking about a little rest before my shift today. The days are long enough as it is.
As always, life is good.
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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Back to Blogger

Reef Shark surounded by fishImage by psmithson via Flickr

To thine own self be true..........

It's back to my first blog ever where it's all from the heart and to who ever stumbles upon it. Since my first entry, there has been a lot of growth, set back, and reflection. Mostly, there is always hope. New goals. Reconsideration. New arrivals. Repairs, income and bills. There have been a few disappointments maybe, but as we all know, only we decide what to make of any given situation. It has to do with our expectations. Sometimes I forget how others think and how their priorities differ from mine. I'll be careful to remember from this point on. I'm taking time for me these days as it has become vital. If I don't update this blog it's because I'm drawing again, or jogging, or playing tennis.........It won't be because there isn't enough good times to write about--or concepts to share..........I'll just be out there collecting bloggable events. I feel like I'm celebrating new years late. But here it goes.......This one is for me.

I just simply don't have room in my life for selfish trash any longer. If your intentions are not pure --go suffer with yourself elsewhere....Do not attempt to waste my time as I won't allow you any of it. It's too precious to me. I was talking with a friend about relationships of all kinds. I explained that when I hear people in bad ones say how they are still together because they "work on it", I think to myself, "oh, work on this!" I wonder where I'd be if I continued working any one of mine in the past. Either dead, in a wheelchair or in prison. I left the sinking ship intact. But I have to tell you, My arms are tired from the swim. I made it to shore thru rapid waters and rough current with some shark teeth stuck in my ass. I'm glad I made it. No, I'm not so eager to get on the ship again. I don't care if it's a dingy or a yaht. Although I left the island years ago, I know now where it is and I'm not going back. I will lay on a different shore relaxing and sipping my beverage while tanning. I may even swim and backstroke for awhile. The fishing is great. I can feed my family with them. The faerie, however serves no functional purpose, and most of the time, has too many passengers consuming those fish.
;0) still smiling despite them all .........................

Those baby pandas on the upper right are just too cute.

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Friday, July 01, 2005

Today is as Tomorrow could be....

A dog swimmingImage via Wikipedia

The alarm went off and the snooze was hit a few times this morning--but what was different is --it just so didn't matter--Maybe I'd have time for the chores and errands, maybe not. Not. So, we got the car loaded up (after unloading the lawn equipment that was part of those chores we no longer had time for), got the beach bag, got dressed, made the call to our fellow swimmer that we would be in route soon, and we hit the road. Lil one and I picked up Twink and went to the liquor store where we got some blue stuff. I like the blue stuff lol. We were going to meet my son and his girl but we missed each other between 4 different swimming holes. It may have been just as well --seeing as I did my impersonation of a laughing, pink buhda most of the day as I basked in the sun. My face still hurts from laughing and I have my tan almost the way I want it now. After giving the blue stuff some time to wear off and eating again to insure it, we headed out to see the grandbaby. There she sat in the bouncy chair grandma got her, in the middle of the living room. She was wearing just a diaper and a big smile. She loves showing grandma her dimple. Grandma loves seeing it too. By then it was time to drop off the Twink, visit a tad and head home. We unloaded the car and decided tomorrow we will do what we can when we can. The only trouble will be that greedy landlord who will be at the door first thing in the morning. I forgot until just now it was rent time again. Hopefully he will wait until Monday---I am going to have to propose something to make the rent due on the 7th as opposed to the first. This paying out of the paycheck prior is really killing me as I no longer get paid on the same days as when I moved in. If he stresses me too bad we will just head out to the lake --and if he harrasses me there I will sic the authoritys on him. The beach is a secret place.

Most of the things on my to do list require money--so they too will have to wait. It's looking more and more like the beach to me lol. I guess I can...........* the following is from memory,not from the heart,as I have lost the rest of this post due to getting the big boot yet again* I guess I can mow, dye and do laundry on my last day off as I have learned that nothing else but work can be done during my work week other than sleep,smoke and eat. Well, maybe a few more things but it was not in my hopes to be totally gross,lol.

Today was a beautiful day. It surprised me not to see the beach totally packed. But then again there are alot of boring, pale, outdoor haters out there. I can't imagine living my life like that. There are actually people who leave their A/C houses to run to their A/C cars to go to yet another A/C stucture(church,work,store etc). Some of these people even go to tanning beds occasionally. ???? I suppose these are the same people who have lactaid right next to the correctol in their medicine cabnets. ????? I don't even try to understand these things. Sun cures all I believe. **** end of memory part of post lol*****

What is from the heart once again is the fact that I am getting mad about both my failure to save these entries in notepad and the fact that getting booted offline will make you lose your post to begin with. You never lose one with firefox -yet my firefox doesn't seem to work with blogger anymore. I am being forced to use Netscape or IE.

Yard work may be in order for tomorrow but that too involves another trip to the lake, as we forgot to pick up a rock from one of the spots we visited. This is a tradition with us. One we neglected for a few years but restarted here recently. I will have to remember to get the film turned in once and for all as it's getting to the point I forgot what is on each roll.

I'm going now to see if I can track my aim buddy down again--the one who IMed me and got me booted to begin with lol.

stay tuned, life is good............

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Monday, June 27, 2005

Bloggers blogs

I've been reading thru the blogs I like to frequent and as always found them interesting. Some things stand out at times and I am often tempted to give advice. I don't, however, because I realise I don't have enough info and people aren't always looking for solutions anyways. So, this entry is going to address some things going on in my fellow bloggers life, but in a way that each blogger can just read and dismiss (or actually use).

My ex sister in-law tried for years to have another baby. Her health was failing in some ways and she had seen an fertility specialist faithfully. After years of trying, she gave up, deciding she was getting to old and would just simply enjoy her neices and nephews or a grandbaby or two. Bam--she got caught in the change of life and ended up with a 10 lb baby boy.

A friend came up to me worried to death she may be pregnant. I asked her what was wrong (knowing she wanted to start a family for quite some time). She told me she had been having an affair. Bam--she was indeed pregnant. It turned out to be her husband's child anyways.

This one girl never drank or smoked pot until she met up with this certain circle of friends. In fact, she was always extremely health concious until then. She also was unable to get pregnant. Bam-She spent the whole pregnancy worried (although the dr told her everything looked ok) because of her partying in her first trimester(which is never recommended). She gave birth to a healthy baby girl.

A nice couple I know of had problems making a baby. They opted to adopt. They waited and waited. Finally they adopted a beautiful baby that they loved with all their heart. They were all so happy. Bam-she turned up pregnant 6 weeks after the adoptiong was finalized. They are looking forward to adopting another. Might mean they will have two more.

I've always been super fertile. Thank god for divorce or I would have at least 12 kids by now. I know that I never drank water and always ate a lot of pasta. I never drank or did drugs. But I love coffee to death. I smoke full flavor cigs. Of course these habbits probably didn't have a thing to do with pregnancy --but I figured I'd through it out there just the same--take it for what it's worth. I think one of my children was concieved after this guy drove by me with the windows up and waved while I didn't even wave back.

I'm in no way suggesting that anyone do anything harmful or stop doing what they feel they have to. What I am saying is, if you take a little something out of each of these little stories--who knows? Maybe it will work.
I know it always seems people are broke, immature, insecure or reluctant when they get pregnant. They are always "not ready" or "too old" or "too poor" when they conceive. It's not always a planned pregnancy.

A certain blogger whom I've grown to really care about in the sense I look forward to reading her blog everday and actually wonder how this or that turned out --inspired this entry. I want her to have a beautiful baby and both she and baby be in good health. She stays so active and involved in everything. Such a worthwhile lovable person needs a little baby to share her wealth of life with. My thoughts are with you and I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your dream of motherhood come true.........Maybe I can. Relax and think about nothing for while and perhaps it will happen.

Saturday, May 14, 2005


Ok, thank you again IE for making my lose my entry--Have I mentioned I hate IE? I am still on a quest for a big huge fake palm tree to go next to or in the pile of sand next to the kiddy pool. A mow or two and some burning of the branches from the last storm and the back yard is ready for party. I don't even mind my son's tent being set up near the smoke pit as it adds that whole campground effect. The volleyball net has become a year round thing. Leo seems to think the backyard is good as gold. I took advantage of a manager's special at Ace's only to find out it was special for the managers to sell broken clocks for 20 bux. So I am back to the quest for a huge living room clock. I was willing to settle before but now I'm determined to find an old "splat" of a huge clock for the livingroom. As always, I'm on a quest for anything to do with storage--dressers --shelves etc. This year is for home and yard decor and car maintenance. I can't wait for my personal year lol. I am also on a quest for a reasonable loan shark ( do those words go together?) .....................

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Chipping Away

tithonia morning glory and ivyImage by NyOkieSue via Flickr

I now have the prettiest birdbath on the block, along with the Tithonia's I was on a quest for recently. The kids got me plantable mothers day flowers =yippee. I have the back yard to clean up now in order to put the lil pool in. The OLDs is running smooth other than the exhaust leak that is making me feel a little less than bloggish when I get home. Lots of OT at work lately so I haven't been in creative mode due to sleep deprivation and stress.
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Saturday, April 23, 2005

Nothing greatly interesting lately...

Seems like I've just been working and running errands lately only to come home tired and find no one online by the time i get to the computer. Lots of unblogable activities lately. I over slept this am and missed the Saturday bank hours, so I guess I'll take care of that on Monday along with the other stuff I had planned. I'm trying to stay awake to do some midnight planting by the light of the moon. I have a short list for tomorrow but a list just the same. Mostly things I forgot about today. OT comes up next week at work I'd better take it. The wedding is next Saturday and we are almost prepared now. We are lacking a veil-nails-hair-few guests-and something blue. I think we finally figured out who is going to be in the wedding. I have no idea about the reception or the getaway car nor do I know where the honeymoon will be if any. By the looks of things, we may have to take up a collection lol.

I guess I'll put off the muffler thing until the 6th--despite the fact I really don't want to show up at the wedding sounding like a harley.

I guess I better start figuring out what I'm going to wear. hmmm

Tuesday, April 19, 2005


Sapulpa dashboard shotImage by NyOkieSue via Flickr

Oh hell yes. I made it back with no stalls. Unfreakinbelievable. I gave him some fresh gas and he is back to his usual can't-go-under-40-self. I'm scared to go back to B and L (because of the unsecureparking lot) and B and D doesn't do mufflers, so I'll be on a muffler shop quest here shortly. I'll definately be using B and D in Sand Springs again for shocks and so forth.

I'm going to try Leon's Muffler shop in Sapulpa and see how resonable they will be with me. I will post the price they give me and for what.

B and L in West Tulsa 75 bucks for cleaning an air sensor? and rigging a hood latch--the fee was for diagnostic testing that didnt show anything? result was car got me home and died. towed it back(via rope) --and they said it's repair was beyond what they could do there. They parked it out front and it got two dents and the license plate stolen. They also added,"If it were running already we could fix it. We can't fix it without it running."

B and D auto in Sand Springs $232.14 =labor 75, parts oil filter air filter ignition coil 5 qts oil 85 wrecker 72. Result= Olds is running like a charm.

Executive Cab =19 bux and actually got me there.

Yellowcheckered Nightmare in Tulsa stood me up.

Auto Zone on Sw blvd has mean evil insulting sarcastic employees that about make you want to cry while you're spending ample amounts of cash.

O'reiley auto parts on sw blvd are polite and at least try to be helpful.

Napa on sw blvd take time to answer questions and give advice although expensive (but they did refer me to B and L auto)

Yes, I will be adding to this transportation reveiw....

Blogger is not my friend tonight as it is taking like 5 minutes for my fonts to appear after I type them.

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Monday, April 18, 2005

Olds is up and running

Two new dents and a missing lisence plate but I was able to put some miles on him once again. B and D got it from B and L without the plates. It seems someone in the Tulsa area is now driving with "tye 901" proudly displayed on their ride. My Olds still sounds like it wants to cut out a little. I hope it makes it thru the pay period at least. It's scarey when you've been told four times "she's all set" and then it breaks down wherever it may.
B and D was a little expensive but they got the job done. Plus they had it towed for me. I'm glad they noticed the stolen tag also. I wonder if I will see it again on the highway or if the culprit is reading this right now. If you are the one who stole my plate, thank you. The plate was haunted. That is what was wrong with the car to begin with. I'll wave with one finger as I drive by your broken down heap alongside the highway. Hey, I got a joke for your dumbass just the same, What did one murderer say to the other in heaven?..At least there are no theives up here with us. roflmfao.

I'll be playing catch up for at least the next 2 weeks, but I'm glad to be able to play. Job, car,phone,food,clean clothes too? I just simply don't know how to act. I have decided however, how NOT to act. And that is of how the assholes who left me stranded acted. Those who helped me shall be rewarded as well as all other deserving peeps shall be.

Well here I go for the late night test run -This is the one that usually fails. Good luck to me.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Posted in sapulpaarealovers e-group

I have a life in which I love. It isn't always a fancy one nor an
easy one. In fact it's down right difficult at times. Despite it
all, I celebrate every day I have here on earth and I'm thankful for
all the beautiful aspects of nature and the world. I still believe
the majority of people are beautiful or at least try to be. I don't
focus on the ugly. I'm well aware of it and do my best to enjoy my
world in spite of it(sometimes because of it). I can't control
everything, but I can control the effect it has on me. I try my best
to keep my corner of the world one of which to be proud of and if I
fall short, I draw upon some famous words of wisdom; Fuck it. I can
also control my words and actions so that I can make sure I never
become the "ugly" in someone elses world. I do my best and I realise
that everything we do, say, feel, or experience brings us to today.
There is a reason for everything and very little accidents if any. It
can always be worse even though at times it doesn't seem that way.
Never ask "what next?" because we may find out in a hurry. Even my
worst enemy in the world is richer for having met me. Maybe I even
made them laugh at my expense and brought some beauty in their life
despite them viewing my existance as ugly. I know that if I can't
share a multitude of financial wealth, I can share a good laugh, a
listening ear, a cup of coffee, and a better attitude towards life.
And this is why I am Dr. Sue, the psycho fun loving friend of
many..........................Ask Guss--she will tell

If you don't stand for something, You will fall for anything.

I support open records
I support our troops
I support truth over majority bs
I support these amongst some others


(above)was my response to(below):

Ok either I am the only one who doesn't have a life around here,
which is probably the case or every one else who doesn't have a life
either is so apathetic that they cant even login and post some sort of
B.S. just for shits and giggles so whichever one it is lemme know ok I
can handle but I bet it's the later instead of the former

Cup half full or half empty? Fall victim to or learn from? Sink or swim? Control or be controlled?

Awake again, naturally

I'm up again as tomorrow is the day that I find out if I have a job or not. I've got a cab coming in the morning. I'd actually prefer to be well rested but maybe if I'm delusionally over tired bad news won't hit so hard. I'm eager to work and I now have my duckies in a row. Hopefully it's not too late. My days of asking or paying anyone for anything are over and it is clear to me now whom I will not piss on if they are on fire. Oh hell, I'll be generous, Piss on em! lol. Maybe the lil depressed nap I took this morning will help with my sleep debt I will owe tomorrow --Who knows? I will do what I can do and that is all. It will work out for the best I'm sure. I may have to stay near work at a friends house to insure my early arrival until such time my car is fixed. My OLDS, it shall be purring like a kitten soon. It's just complicated like me at times. I did manage to get the hell out of here for awhile today and have a nice afternoon with a friend. We had some good eats and checked out a casino. Won a tad too. Life is enough of a gamble for me personally, but it was therapeutic to get out of here for awhile. Ok so I'm worried to death about work. I will just accept that and do what I can. Denial can be such a useful tool at times but that concept isn't within my grasp right now. Maybe I can squeeze in a nap before getting up at 4 am. My eyes are crossing now so this could be a good sign. You live and you learn and sometimes you learn, re-learn, forget, learn again etc. ;0)

Good thing I'm not depressed

Well, after missing work again due to ungrateful asses whom I will never give birth to again, I at least got my OLDS to the shop again via a big fat rope. A neighbor pulled me to the shop and refused so much as a few dollars for his help. So many nice people in the world. I'm so grateful to meet yet another. I'm not sure my job is at this point secure but at least the car will be running soon to get another one(I'm praying I didn't lose this one). I really like this job and the people I work with. I'm kind of at the point where I want to give up (or I started to give up already). Hopefully, I'm not a day late and a dollar short with the job thing--but I must face the music and see--hopefully I will just be put on probation or something. I can't keep worrying though it's all but killing me. I'm worried that by the time my ducks are in row it will be too late. When things like this happen you can't blame someone for not believing you because you can't believe it yourself. 2005 in all honesty has sucked for the most part thus far. Come to find out I could have hitched a ride with the neighbor but we hadn't communicated until today. I must just take a deep breath and find out if I still have a job===scary as hell. The lady I was taking to work with me was going to tell the boss right away why I wasn't there with her but it somehow slipped her mind. I found this out after the workday was over. Great. Hopefully this was not maliciousness but what she said, an oversight. I don't quite get it however, as this would be the first thing I would have done when I arrived to work without my usual ride accompanying me. Between MothertheBitchNature and my bad luck with transportation and loyalty I'm kind of left feeling hopeless. Only kind of--cause my will is a tad stronger than that--only a tad. I am going to look beyond myself and circumstances and focus on others. I don't want to be as guilty as those I've fallen victim to lately---make that whom I allowed myself to fall victim to. After all it could be worse. I want it to be better therefore it shall be. It has to be. I'm wondering what time I will be awake today as I've stayed up too late after a long day of nothingness. I accomplished cleaning the house, getting the car to the garage, a trip to the dollar store and grocery store, cooking supper, and making peace with my eldest child. Lil one's friend spent the night and they both seemed to enjoy themselves. Yet another nice person to whom I'm grateful is Marie who took me to the stores. I have tomorrow off from work and I may spend it trying to secure my job lol. Again I'm trying to talk myself out of worrying but I know I messed up and may have to pay the price. Accept-move on. Shit. A puppy was dumped upon me as the culprits made a getaway. Needless to say the puppy has been dumping upon my carpet ever since and I am less than pleased. The puppy is the cutest lil poopin' thing I've seen. Why can't it be ugly and ferocious? It must leave before I give it any more toys or love. Sunny is jealous as hell. But I think Sunny is starting to enjoy it's company if for nothing more than to have something to attack. I guess what is bad is that cars came and went from here after dining, sleeping, playing games, viewing TV, etc. And no one in those cars even considered driving my fat ass to work. I was made to feel like a bag woman looking for a hand out for simply asking for a ride to work -offering gas money no less. These are people who have borrowed my car and not even put gas in on several occasions. No, I will not run them over when the OLDS is running. Repeat 10 x until convinced I say.
I am going to make the best of this and try not cry if I get fired or if I get to keep my job. No happy nor sad tears I will secrete Damn it. Well at least not in public. Life is an adventure--sometimes a scary one--sometimes one spent in the living room without any wheels.

Friday, April 01, 2005

FireFox and OLDS

I'm back with my FireFox and with my OLDS in the driveway sick again. The QT run was a failure as it died twice along the 8 block journey. I'm not sure what the mechanic thought I meant by driveable but I should have been more specific apparently. I wanted to go more miles. Today I missed work because my lack of transportation. So I'm blogging about it. What else can ya do? I guess I'll call the shop and be more specific this time? Then I will figure out how to get the car there. AAA is now officially expired. I should have done this yesterday but I was too tired after waiting four hours for my ride after working 10 hours. I think the test run the mechanic did used up my running time I had lol. Or perhaps it is nap time .......such decisions we face. I am really no good to anyone at this point. Perhaps a power nap will improve things? Or at least I will have a break from me for awhile. I can dream that I have a car that runs. Or that the rent is not due today. Hey--I can call the landlord and say "I have the rent, April Fool's!" But then he would probably say," You have a home, April Fool's!" Yeah, the nap thing sounds like a good idea.

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

So Far So Good 4 OLDS

Woodward Park in TulsaImage by NyOkieSue via Flickr

I got the OLDS out of the shop today after explaining I just need it drivable. The mechanic seems to have kept his word and then some. I believe I have found an honest mechanic. He is on w 41st st in Tulsa (B&L muffler). If it makes it a few more days, I will take it back there for some more work. I am so happy. I may need to make a test run in a minute so I can nap well before work later this morning lol. It's going to be a game of catch-up for me now with all the errands and chores that got neglected when OLDS was down. We got him up and running like 4 times only for him to fall down again. Hopefully now he will run a while till I get the big work done. This shop was reasonable too. That's not to mention how fast they worked.
I've been looking at other blogger sites lately and I still feel this one is the best. Some are by invite but don't give you enough of a sneak peak to determine if you even want an invite. I got in on yahoo's 360. It's good to just display pics and post to your friends but definately lacks any template choices. Also, it lets you choose who views each module. It is well organized as far as profile page, personal page, and linking to friends automatically etc. Msn spaces has better looking templates but is about the same concept.
This is the first time I used IE to post a message on this blogger. I must also add this is the first time I had any trouble with blogger. IE is the devil. I am 100 % convinced of this now. I opened and updated the old IE simply to work with certain sites that require it. I wish more would be as compatible with firefox as blogger is. IE just made me lose half of my entire entry --so what you are seeing now is the product of me trying to remember the last paragraph again--oh but trust this is from the heart. I hate IE more than ever. IE is a quirky blinky crashing little browser from the bowels of hell. Yes, I am pissed completely off.
I touched nothing and with a blink my fonts disappeared. FY IE.
I'll be back with my Fire Fox browser so I won't be interrupted again.
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Friday, March 18, 2005

Tulsa Oklahoma 3-19-2005 I love Google

I'm increasingly happier every day. My car is sort of running now. I played with the distributor and jumped up and down on the bumper after filling the tank with some fresh gold...I mean gas. He fired up and I drove him around the block. I think his timing is still off and there is an exhaust problem. But he runs just the same....Yippeeeee!!! I'm so happy Olds is running. *see "My Olds"

The kids went to some over night church thing. It's just Leo, Sunny, the lil one, and me here tonight. Of course they are all asleep. The plant down the end of the block is even quiet tonight.

There are 3 people in Sapulpa tonight that are going to develop a hemorrhoid the size of a hoppety hop any minute now and hopefully bounce their way back to their homeland of hell. I simply can't wait. You see, what goes around comes around. They have no clue. They are so full of hate, it consumes every minute of their existence. What a burden it would be to carry such baggage. I've finally figured out why certain people are mean to good people. When you intentions are pure, these demons despise you and will do anything to make you appear as ugly as they are. They can't stand it that one can still focus on the positive. It is their goal to taint your views and judgment of the world. You can't do it, Bimbo. It just can't be done. I control that--not you and that hurts you. And Bully, you are weak and dopey. You look like a newborn ostrich on crack with a bad hair cut. Oh yes, and to Mr Prosecuterswillbeviolated, don't worry, this will never happen to you. You have got to be the most boring, ugly, undesirable piece of ca ca I have ever seen. You are so unimpressive and out of touch with reality, that you are a legend in your own thoughtless mind. You are an otherwise empty shell filled with nothingness. All that money on law school, what a waste. You pollute the space you take up.

I give it one year. Within that time there will be changes to that dirty lil network. They are so going to be exposed and the truth will come out. All the dirty deals, all the drug trafficking, all the lies, all the tampering and otherwise illegal activity. This is my prayer. I know I can't change the world, but I'm going to fix a piece of it or two. My world is intact, free of all the clutter of greedy, hateful, deeds. For every lie that they tell--I will tell the truth. They can try to twist and deceive all they want but they are going to be exposed. Bimbo, I trusted you to look into things and you neglected the call of truth. You simply don't care as you feel you are invincible. You are not. What happen to me could happen to you and is happening to many others because of people in authority like yourself who simply have no conscience. Laws and religion were devised for people who have no conscience. I have a strong sense of right and wrong. I know one from the other and have a clear conscience. I don't need regulations and outward forms of structure to do what is right. Apparently--you do. If it doesn't make you money --you don't care. Well you are about to care. You and people like you are going to learn something you didn't learn in school. You are at this point aware of situations and therefore now, you are liable. You need to be held accountable for the actions you not only allow but condone. You cheer on and giggle about the violent treatment of those you feel are inferior to you. It's about to turn around. The difference is- I don't take pleasure in another's misfortune. One's pain is not my gain unlike with you.

I still know there are so many wonderful, good people in all walks of life. I remain focused on them. Thank you to all the good people some of which may not even agree with me but still show kindness and respect. Maybe this is about respect. We all respond so much better to it. It should be that we can always expect it but unfortunately, there are some people who just don't show any for whatever reason. Regardless, I do appreciate those who are strong enough to show it. When you are secure in yourself, you are not afraid to be kind to others and show them respect. I met some really nice people thru all this dark ugly stuff. One of which, may think I'm full of beans, lol, but was still a complete gentleman and for that I am grateful.

I think I may take the car for another test run to Quick Trip and pray that I don't break down on the way. And if I do, it won't be blocking traffic or something. I better bring a coat just in case....What an adventure this is going to be. Life is so exciting. I guess I better take the lil one with me just in case........

Monday, March 07, 2005

Not a doctor........

I'm not a doctor, in fact, I don't even play one on TV. So I will spare you the medical reasons for and definitions of etc.; fever. Lets just say, fever is you having the ability to fry an egg on your forehead yet the sensation of being at the north pole naked with a frozen washcloth stuck to your ...ear. Today, after watching movies on the wall that weren't really there, for some unknown period of time, I decided to take my temperature. Shivering, wheezing, whining, and limping, I made it over to the desk where I found that thermometer. You know the one, THAT one. I love that ear thing. I finally get to use it for me. After all, I had to wait 4 years for the price to go down so I could be a proud owner of the earthingamabobberdoodler. So there it beeps........106. Ok redo.....There it reads.. 106? Great. So this is how its all going to end? My hair isn't even done. Ibuprofen is our friend by the way. I got real close to my friend. I got a lot of friends together (the couch being my main friend). There is no vicks in the house and there is no way I'm taking a dip in the arctic waters of the bath tub. So there I was, Improvising like I know to do, complete with noxema thick on mug, menthol alcohol all over everything that could stand it, doped up on daytime (store brand) and ibuprofen, hair looking like Kramer, eyedrops in eyes and nose spray in nose. I think I may have got a hold of some Q-tips, but I really couldn't think of what for. *Please note there were some other extreme things from HELL going on with me that someone may LIE to you and say is just NATURE, but I'm not going to elaborate. Lets just say I HATE each and every ONE of you and may your $%^& FALL OFF!!!.........But I'm not bitter........ Oops, typo. hm hmm.

Ok so now we have a visual and feel for what is going on, it's no longer "this", and "that" got dismissed a few degrees ago. I am now unquestionably, officially sick as a mf dog. Bowfreakingwow. I know what I must do at this point. I am in control --The Power is mine--the power does Not belong to this ...this...circumstance. I am going to carry on and take care of business.

10 minutes later?

I'm on the couch trying to sleep some of this off. My eyes pop open and I can't breath. I roll over after hacking and coughing like my tonsils are going into labor--and with all the speed of a herd of turtles---I spring to my feet looking ever so much in control (in a Phyllis Diller sort of way) and I take charge. Yes, I make the decision. I make the coffee. (Although it says in the bible that the man is supposed to make the coffee *Hebrews) I make some calls, having to explain at least 5 times who I am and why I sound like Sylvester Stallone. And of course, as you might have guessed, I of course did my hair. It was a slow process, but I did it. Can you say hypothermia? I hope so, cause I sure in the hell can't spell it. But I believe I lived it today---still not sure.

Ah, fever, it's such an adventure. I'm really not sure of anything else that took place today. I know my car almost got fixed. I know I got an online coupon for something that I ordered and ate. I know I can count high enough to pay some guy at the door with his hand out and a insulated box full of pizza. I vaguely remember handing someone something for grocery items. I wasn't involved in that quest---I wonder what I bought? Oh yes I remember several dozen trips to a little vault like room with dolphins wearing sunglasses. There were so many voices today. One can't make out each one of them however.

I so wanted to blog today, such a shame that I just can't find the words, the thoughts, the ideas. I'm at a loss for words. But good news, it's a new day--with new adventures--and I'm here for it. I made it. Sleep is going to be the enemy now. The fight begins. I will win. I will look like Don Knotts on crack, but I will win. The couch entices me as I stand strong and determined against sleep and all it's evils.

I truly thought yesterday was a blur while it was (I think) occurring, yet now I see clearly it was yet another wonderful learning experience in my ever so charming life. Amongst the many things I have learned, one of which, is that I can multi-task with the best of them. I now know that I can cough, sneeze up to 5x in a row, gush with the force of 20 red paint ball cannons (if there is such a thing), print coupons, clean the house and count money all at the same ever so foggy, time!

.........She turns, hangs her head, aqua trickling ever so lightly until she executes the snifflesave action with her well trained,now experienced, nostril, and hobbles away into the darkness.....for the sun is ready to rise, with it's unmerciful plan of blinding the crap out of her red, far-away looking, road-mapped eyes.........The curtain closes...........

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Goals (dont bother reading)

This post will be boring to everyone but me but of course that has never stopped me before.

  • I will have a new job by the end of this week. (That money thing again)
  • I will quit smoking while I still have money and cigarettes. Otherwise the challenge of obtaining them will be too great . (cough)
  • I will lose one size by the end of this week. (that's an easy one)
  • I will pay the phone some how by the end of this week. (I must if I'm to continue blogging)
  • I will complete one creative project before Monday. (Looms await)
  • I will be prepared for the second week in march by Monday. (And justice for me)
  • My car will be running and I'll get it in for tune up. (Let freedom ring)
  • I will remember to make all those damn phone calls I keep forgetting about this weekend. (I will remember before 12 am.)
  • I will force water down (very difficult)
  • I will get Mikey to write his poetry on his own blog. (possitive manipulation?)
  • I will have certain bills paid. (*see utility extortion)
  • I will change this list every so often. ( ?)
  • I will eventually quit writing so damn many lists. (It could happen)
  • I will shop at Cato's lol
  • [test] (This is not a node.)
  • I will continue my lil home study project for this year. (May have to back track a tad)

At Most........

When ever we say "At least" this or that; trying to look on "the bright side", it means we have already settled for the negative. We have acknowleged the bad incident, accepted the dismal truth/lie, we have given up. Although we are in fact "trying" to be possitive, we have been defeated by some schmuck or group of such. Maybe even by a concept, rule, unjust law, or misconception. Life is far too short for "at least". We need AT MOST. We want AT MOST.
When we do things despite and or because of anything we have given it power. Not that we shouldnt learn. But that we should grow. It's always the same--it's change. Pessimists have it over on optimists because they know what can happen without change whereas an optimist believes things will be ok. The pessimist will take steps towards there goal. That is if they still have any.
Of course, At most ideas and considerations are always changing if not --it would be a limited concept in which we "At Mosters" would have no part of. Anything that limits any person is unacceptable. If it focus' on what is not or can not etc., it should be ignored . If we act on it or change as a result again we have given it power. This includes words, ideas, insults etc. We also need to advocate for those who dont yet do so for themselves. The power belongs to each one of us within ourselves. Certain people would love to throw us a scrap or a bone and say "at least" this or that---But we are going for At most and again their lil peices of crap are unacceptable and not enough.
We as individuals are too beautiful and perfect at being ourselves to settle for at least. This does not mean we can not be content (because that in itself is a extremely wonderful place to be) nor does it mean we can't be at peace or even that word we dare not say HAPPY. It just means that so much is possible and so much is for our taking, that we should be "At most"= where we need to be. The key is we decide where that should be and only us. And yes we can enjoy the journey every step of the way. And yes it can be to new and exciting places as well as comfortable ones we love already. I'm the best at being me.
For those who cant decide what you want to do or where you want to go or what you'd like to achieve --remember you have already decided thus far --and it's ok. Tomorrow you may be somewheres else and that is ok too. It's about being you and going where you want to go. Its about dismissing certain peoples limitations they try to put on you.
Ok so you want to go on an expensive vacation tomorrow and you dont have the money today. Why do you want to go? What can you do to get the money? Who says you can't go? etc etc If money is a goal --then do what you can. If info is a goal -- there is everything out there. Chances are if you are thinking money you are either very broke and needing the basics or you're pretty rich in funds to begin with.
What is the greatest thing is "At most" just keeps changing. Someone else's "at most" doesn't matter. Someone else may have missed the simple pleasures you own already. Its about you and yours. It's about being satisfied with knowing you can say "At most" everyday of your life.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

A little less than positive.............

I'm not the type to get depressed but if I were--I would be now.
Answering machines: If I don't get the first message, why in the hell would I get the other 10? If you intentionally hog space on the answering machine (which no one is that stupid so it must be on purpose) I'm not giving into your manipulation. Not to mention if you want money you probably just bumped off a source of it by being a prick.
Utility Extortion--Why is it legal? "If you don't give us money, we will make you freeze your fat white ass off" isn't that like the worst of threats there is? Or "If you don't give us money-we will make you blind tonight" or how about the plain ol' "Pay up or live in drought"
Landlords: They don't become such because they are kind folks,lol. But must they come to the door in the middle of the night looking like they want your money for a fix? Or is that just mine?
Kids: They are slowly trying to kill us all --and the end result will be their goal. (of course on the bright side --the end result is that without kids too)
Money: Where?
The dog and the cat love me and don't talk back. Don't mess with them.
Housework: For god's sake! Don't touch a damn thing!
The weather should be kept outside. *see utility extortion.
Gravity: It's not our friend.
To be continued at a later time when I can think straight. Due to the high volume of children, I'll have to finish my mini nervous breakdown and I'll be back........

Sunday, February 27, 2005

Events 2005


There is going to be a HUGE, ALL DAY, INDOOR(rain or shine), garage
sale at Jubilee Worship Center
APRIL 9TH 2005

There will be concession food offered there as well.

Come one, come all. I know there is going to be bunch of neat stuff
there at really affordable prices.
They are raising money for the lil ones to go to camp. It's going to
be great involoving tons of families.

If you can't make it or are not into "Saleing" You can donate
anything you dont want anymore or that is getting in the way etc.

I'll try to remind everyone again closer to this date. I'll add it to
the calendar as well.

That's All day --rain of shine APRIL 9TH,2005.

25 South 161st East Avenue
Tulsa, OK 74108

Service Times
Sunday School - 9:15 AM
Sunday Service - 10:00 AM
Wednesday Service - 7:00 PM
Monday, Tuesday and Thursday Prayer Meeting - 7:00 PM




Saturday, February 26, 2005

Not enough time.......

Time flys when you need more of it. I have found you turn 36 and then you're 100. It takes forever to get to be 36 and a split second to be looking for prunes, breaking a hip, crackling and popping and needing the music turned down.......allllllll the way down. It took me a lifetime to be as old as I am now. That is old enough to realize how young I am.

Yesterday I gave birth to a lil apple cheeked, bright eyed, curly haired, chubby baby with a perfect shaped head, lil ears, nose and toes, and big smile. Mommy's lil angel. Her eyes held all the answers. I'd look in them and know everything that mattered.

The next day she learned to talk. After that she learned to walk.

I became scared. I knew less.

She then learned to talk even louder. I was clueless. I looked in her eyes and seen my own blank stare.

A day or so later she learned to walk further. Coming back with dirty laundry. I began to know something once again........ She walked out of sight.

My life became hell.

Today she is going to have a baby. How is that possible? I look in her eyes and I know all that matters. Its time for baby Angela. Granny's lil angel.

I guess looking back there were many, many things in between. I guess this means we survived. We are starting a new page, chapter, book, series. The baby has created a grandma, uncles and aunts within our team. A team is what we've always been. Our bond is something no one dare challenge and no is able to threaten. Oh, and by the way, the baby is having a baby.

My Olds..............

Oldsmobile Custom Cruiser 1991. Posted by Hello

Da Wagon has been my friend from day one. Yes, I made a plate for him after i named him. It since has been replaced by one representative of the lil one's academic achievement. Sometimes he thinks he is a bus. Other times a truck. Most of the time he feels he is a cadillac. I love him.

He is "He" you see because he just up and quit working. I dont know if he is just tired or if i didnt hear his crys for help in time. But he is sick just the same. OMG, how I miss him and his luxuriously smooth ride now that he is not able to perform.

It's like pulling teeth to get a ride. Simple things that get done in minutes now take up to a week. And forget about having anyone pick something up for you--we dont want anyone dying. God how i miss his service.

Soon he will be up and rolling though---then they will all want a ride......As for Olds and me? You wont see us for DUST!

Get well, Olds.
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Spring Projects............

Spring Projects........ Posted by Hello
Yes, we are thinking of Spring Time already ---Are plans this spring are going to be quite basic as we are just simply not going to have alot of time. A way cool bird bath and feeder is what we have decided on in that one "ugly spot" of the yard. It will be encircled with flowers and cool rocks with some other plants as well. The birds will abandon all the neighbors bird baths to come to ours. If not then they can feed them as well lol. Everyone is going to do something to participate in this project.
Of course we have the boring project of the front porch to complete. This project is self explanatory as to all it entails, but again, the name of the game is simplicity.

Moon Phases

moon phases

Friday, February 25, 2005

THE HOME.......

The Home

The small office smelled of freshly-waxed wood. A paper weight, calendar, pencils and pens, a black notebook and a framed picture of three small children were carefully arranged on a large, shiny desk. The rest of the furniture took advantage of limited space: a combination end table and book rack filled with out-of-date Ladies Home Journals, a floor lamp, two captain’s chairs, and a tall metal coat stand. It was summer and only a pair of small red rain shoes had been left behind.

Marisa sat next to her mother. Her father stood gazing though the dust-covered window. They had avoided each other for weeks now, but she instinctively knew his expression. Eyes squinted, as if to contain his anger, his jaw muscles pulsed. It was the same look he gave her mother when she pushed him too far. Lately it seemed like he was always on the verge of exploding. His bright red neck bulged around the edges of his starched white shirt. The back of his jacket was wrinkled from the long car ride. He was jingling the changed in his pants pocket.

Marisa’s mother sobbed, rolling a tattered tissue around and around her stubby fingers. A stout woman, her cotton dress stretched across her large breasts. Streaks of gray were noticeable in her once black hair. Deep wrinkles formed around her eyes, tired from crying, found their way to her colorless mouth. Her jaw quivered, ever so slightly, as she glanced again at the back of her husband’s head.

Marisa focused on a faded blue flower in the worn rug beneath her feet. Her long hair was pulled back and hung limply over the back of the chair. She had always been small for her age and even now, no one could tell her secret. She wondered what Gabriel was doing. Did he think about her any more?

“Would you like to stay here, do you think?” her mother asked.

“I guess so,” Marisa answered without looking up. Without feeling anything. She had practiced this non-feeling now for weeks. It was beginning to sink in.

“You know we’re only doing what’s best for you. Isn’t that right, Jack?”

Her father didn’t answer and Marisa shifted in her chair. Her back hurt. She could hear footsteps outside in the hall and the door opened with a loud creak and her father swung around. Her mother stood as though to salute, dropping her crumpled tissue onto the rug.

A tall woman entered quickly, hurrying to barricade herself behind the desk. Her brown wool dress was out of place in the summer heat. Unfashionably long, it was squeezed tightly at the waist by a thin, plastic belt, causing large pleats of extra fabric to drape around her hips. She had made no attempt to cover the paleness of her face with makeup, and her gray hair was styled only with silver-colored bobby pins, cropping the hair oddly above her ears.

“How do you do? I’m Helen Cantac and I’m the senior caseworker here at the Home.”

“Nice to meet you,” Mr. Morey said, lunging forward to shake the woman’s hand. “My wife, Gladys,” he added, motioning toward Marisa’s mother.

“What about this heat?” Miss Cantac blurted out quickly. “My my, it certainly has been a scorcher!”

Marisa wondered if Gabe would write to her. She tried to remember the names of all his brothers and sisters. There were twelve of them, with runny noses and haunted-looking eyes. Gabe and his older brother Mike were the only ones past the age of ten. Last spring she and Gabe had sat on his front lawn while she had memorized all of their names as they ran back and forth, in and out of the house, banging the screen door with each flight. His mother sat motionless in front of the T.V., oblivious to the cries and screams, the endless river of peanut butter, strawberry jam and pieces of tinker toys that carpeted the kitchen floor.

“Marisa! How do you feel about staying with us here at the Home?” Miss Cantac suddenly singled her out.

Marisa didn’t answer and the woman turned to Mrs. Morey, “Have you made a definite decision yet?”

Marisa’s mother seemed to brighten, “We only want what’s best for our daughter, you know.” She smiled and looked furtively once more in her husband’s direction. He nodded solemnly at the social worker.

Miss Cantac beamed, appearing satisfied that these newcomers were on the path to redemption. Marisa wondered why the woman’s father hadn’t put braces on her teeth. Didn’t her love her? Were they poor like the kids who rode the school bus in from the farms?

“Then it’s settled! You two are free to leave at any time, and Marisa can come upstairs with me to see her room and meet the rest of the girls. Do you have your things with you Marisa?”

The girl was silent. Her father volunteered to get her belongings from the car. Marisa’s mother scurried after him while Marisa stood in the long empty hallway and watched through the glass-paned doors. Her father placed her luggage on the porch, the ones that had been meant for college. The social worker marched past her, pushing her slightly aside as she opened the heavy door just wide enough to wave her wrinkled hand in dismissal.

“Visiting hours are on Sundays. In the meantime, Marisa and I are going to get to know each other,” she said smiling.

Marisa started toward the open door, but then stepped back as she saw her father turn toward the car. Her mother waved and squinted into the sun.

Marisa looked up at the woman standing next to her as they waited for the elevator. She noticed that the smile had faded. “Well Marisa, “ Miss Cantac snapped when the doors closed firmly behind them and the car began to rise upward. “I hope that you’ve made up your mind to cooperate with us. Your parents are very worried about you. We wouldn’t want to give them any more reason to be upset, would we now?”

The elevator door opened and the two of them stepped into another long, wide hall. Marisa watched the back of the woman’s legs, the crooked seams that wound around the backs of her calves, as she followed her to the end of the hallway and through a small door where she motioned for Marisa to step inside.

“This will be your home for the next four months! Please unpack your bags neatly into the chest of drawers and Mrs. Stokely will be around to assign your duties. The first morning bell is at 5:30 sharp. See that you are prompt in all that you do here.”

She closed the door and Marisa was alone. The room was dark. She could make out a small bed, a dresser, and a wooden rocker. She walked over to the window and peered through the venetian blinds. It was a nice view of a park. There were rows of neatly pruned rose bushes that faded into lilacs and clumps of tall iris that hung close to the edge of a small duck pond. A woman was pushing a baby carriage along the sidewalk. Marisa closed the blinds and lay down on the bed.

* * * * * *

Two or three weeks passed. The girls at the Home were allowed to sign out on Wednesday afternoon for a jaunt to the zoo, or downtown, or to the corner for a pack of smokes. Of course this all depended on their behavior the previous week, if they hadn’t broken any of the long list of cardinal rules and if the caseworkers could be persuaded to sign the coveted release form.

The brightness of the summer sun hurt her eyes as she stood, still as mouse about to scurry toward freedom, on the front steps of the lumbering stone house. She could hear the sounds of city traffic past a large gate at the end of the circular driveway. She would have to find her way downtown. Buffalo was a large city, and she was used to four corners and one traffic light in her tiny New England village.

The back of her neck felt gritty as she boarded a bus that was headed toward the tallest buildings. Quarter, dimes and nickels stuck to the sweat on her palms and the coins clinked and clanked through the change slot as she ambled to a seat close-by beneath the Marlboro Man. Gripping the seat in front of her she looked up at the cord that she would pull to signal her exit when it was time. People in cars on the street below were honking their horns, impatient and weary with the heat.

As the bus jerked forward an old woman grabbed her arm as she fell into the seat next to Marisa and began shuffling through the contents of a worn out shoulder bag. She was mumbling and at first Marisa tried to ignore her by looking out the windows at the tree lined streets and large homes. People must be happy in there, she thought. “If only they had told me!” the old woman was almost shouting now. “I would have obliged,” she hissed in Marisa’s ear. “Who do they think they are?” Marisa turned at this and the woman looked into her blue eyes. “Just who do you think you are?!” The woman demanded.

Marisa looked down at the tips of her toes and then she smiled at the small and wrinkled woman. “My husband and I are going to have a baby in the fall. If it’s a girl, we’ll name her Sara after his grandmother. Her name was Sara.

The strange woman continued to rummage through paper bags and used tissues that seemed to well over the sides of her dusty, old bag. She pulled out a dark, polished leather photograph case, embossed in gold with someone’s initials, the sort of scrawling lettering on the silverware Marisa remembered from her grandmother’s dining room. The bus swayed as the woman clumsily unfolded the album to reveal a snapshot of a small girl in a flowered dress. Her hair was pulled to one side with a ribbon and she wore polished maryjanes. “This here was my daughter, Anita. She’s all grown and gone now, run off with a fellow on a big motorcycle. Ain’t heard from her in a long, long time.” Marisa studied the girl in the faded picture. She wasn’t cute to speak of and her face was kind of screwed up as through someone had just scolded her, had told her to look sweet for the picture.

“She ran away once when she was only twelve years old,” the old woman gazed wearily out of the window. “Disappeared on a nature hike with the Girl Scouts one Saturday afternoon, her and another girl, Joyce Pruel. I was along as one of the mother volunteers. Those two girls just up and vanished. We called the fire department and the other parents got in their cars and drove all over the countryside until they found them, strolling along happy as could be down an old dirt road that led to nowhere. Said they was runnin’ away to Joyce’s sisters house. I had ta pull Anita out of the Girl Scouts right on the spot and quit myself in embarrassment.”

The bus tilted again as it turned a corner and the woman forced the photo album between Marisa’s fingers. “You just keep that for yourself, ‘cause I don’t have no use for it. Only a lot of heartache. Not even her father could stay put. Not nobody lasts in this world I tell ya.”

* * * * *

City walls closed in around the jostling bus as it finally jolted to a halt and passengers began to make their way toward the opened doors. Marisa followed, turning once as she emerged onto the street to see the old woman grab the coat of a passing tourist.

She began to move slowly along the sidewalk, catching smells of carmel corn and dirty streets. The heat radiated from the sidewalk and for a moment she was back in her grandmother’s livingroom where she and her cousins stood atop the huge heat register in the floor and let the hot air billow inside their flannel nightgowns.

Remembering again where she was she peered into a window display of plastic sandals and red and blue metal sandpails, making her way along the edge of the buildings. She thought she felt the baby move inside her belly as she leaned, exhausted, against the tallest building she had ever seen. Resting her face against the cool of a movie marquee, she strained her neck to see where the building ended and the bright blue sky began. Behind the glass was a picture of a man and a woman in a romantic embrace. Their lips were pressed tightly together as they sheltered themselves from the rain beneath a large black umbrella. Marisa adjusted the old woman’s photo album still riding uncomfortably in her pocket as she approached the ticket office window.

Like the rain in the advertisement that had attracted her, it was cool and damp inside the ancient theater. She sat alone in the back. And as her eyes took hold of the darkness, she realized that she was alone. A melancholy theme song began to play and the faces of a young, blond woman and a strikingly handsome man filled the movie screen and soon, her entire consciousness. Though they spoke in French, Marisa didn’t need to follow the sub-titles to understand the lover’s passions and their stolen kisses. He must return to his wife, yes they were miserable, but the children, and yes, he loved her and would run away with her to the ends of the earth, if only, no, didn’t she understand? There was a constant click clack of the windshield wipers, and Marisa cried as she realized that she wasn’t going to tell him about the baby. He sat with the motor running and smoked a cigarette. The woman said goodbye in a kind of final way and Marisa remembered the time she had called Gabe on a Saturday night and told him the news. He said he would be right over and when he hadn’t showed up hours later she lay down on the bathroom floor and cried, softly so that no one would hear her. The man drove off into the Paris traffic.

And later, after many years had passed, and the sky was filled with snow, the woman pulled into a service station behind the wheel of an expensive car. There he was, with his wife. A young child’s face pressed against the car window watched absently as the stranger filled the gas tank. He seemed familiar with her mother whose face had turned sad. The windshield wipers kept time with the blizzard and the harshness of the man’s features were like her father’s had been that night at the dinner table, the night that everyone finally knew.

* * * * *

The bells were ringing their morning alarm. Her brain pounded inside her skull and her stomach jerked again in a kind of unfamiliar pain. Her back was burning and yet she tried to get up. The toast must be buttered and put on the table, or she would be in trouble again.

No matter, she didn’t move off the bed and suddenly there was a coolness in her spine and she could hear the birds singing their morning song. She wondered if Francine was awake yet. They were going to build a fort today in the apple orchard. No, Francine had moved to Texas years ago. Marisa was alone now, and again, the pain was unbearable.

A light flickered through the blinds and she could barely make out Gabe’s handsome face in the darkness. She smiled and let out a small sigh. “What if it’s a boy? Shall we take him home?”

She couldn’t make out his answer. Maybe he had gone to find the phone, to announce the good news to some of their friends. Jack and Keith and Maggie would be anxious to know what was going on, after all.

“Dr. Fletcher!”

Was her father calling her? Was she later for dinner? Mom?

“She’s not doing so well, Doctor!”

The pain started again at the bottom of her back and ripped across the top of her head. And then, there was a soothing darkness all around her.

* * * * *

A light pierced the room. Someone touched her forehead.

“Do you feel ready to sit up?”

“Can I hold my baby?”

“I have to bind your breast now to stop the milk. And besides, are you sure you want to do that? You remember the agreement, don’t you?”

Marisa’s eyes began to adjust to the dim light of the hospital room. She could see a woman in a very clean, white dress by the side of her bed, holding a baby. Marisa held out her arms, then took the tiny girl close to her heart, all warm and trusting. She looked at her dark, soft wisps of hair, her little eyelashes, her cheeks, and her groping fingers. The only distinguishing feature she could find, the kind that would last through time, was a small indentation on the edge of her miniature ear. Marisa promised herself she would remember.

The two of them cooed and drifted for a long time while the afternoon sun shone through the curtains and silhouetted the young girl and the baby. When the social worker lifted the infant from her arms, Marisa was asleep. The woman carefully readjusted the covers and placed a dark, polished photo album, that had been lying on the bedside table, inside of an open drawer and closed it.
Nancy Louise Cole, 1971