Foggy Dreams-Excerpt

Image by NyOkieSue via Flickr

She entered the world somehow, sometime during Autumn. Thirty-six years later, she learned of the details, told to her in hopes of filling in the gaps. Mom wanted the best life for her; better than what she felt at the time, she could provide her with as a young unwed mother in the 60's. Little did she know, the best part of Angela's life would be their reunion.



Uncertain Foggy Dreams


The tan carpet pile began to get smaller as she rose to her feet almost erect. It grew as she began to lose her balance once again. Finally, she was standing erect though a little wobbly. There were sounds in the background as though to cheer for her.

Lucy ran with two little boys to greet a balding man in an overcoat with deep pockets. He was familiar to her, perhaps even paternal. He would say, "Oh, there could be a mouse in my pocket" as he smiled lovingly, raising his arms to allow the children to pick the candy and such from his pockets.

Two and half years and only a few memories. Strange what we recall. Then there were the dreams. Or were they memories of some movie she seen when too young to verbalize? Perhaps they were stories told around her that confused her.

Looking through the bars, Lucy was happy to see Mommy enter the room. She put her arms out as if to be picked up. Mommy wasn't smiling as she put her fingers to her lips ordering a panicked "SHHHH" as her body shook. Daddy appeared as Mommy backed up. She seemed to shrink into the corner as his back now faced Lucy. Lucy couldn't see past him. Then he turned towards Lucy exposing the view of her Mother lying in a bloody heap on the floor. Lucy knew to shrink and silence despite her young age. Instinct I suppose. He appeared over the bars blocking the light with his head. Darkness.

There were bright round lights that seem to move upward as the motion pushed her downward in a hurry. There were voices. There were beeps of what seemed to be machines and telephones. Lucy just knew there were noises and that she was in yet another environment. There was that final, stationery, hot, bright lamp; quite larger then the moving series of lights she had seen through her eyelids prior. The lamp goes out abruptly creating a cold sleep almost instantly.

"It will take some time to heal" "She may function just fine" "There will be some adjustments needed" "She will need follow up care" "Placement" Placement. Placement. All just voices in the dark.

New blog for the Human race

Image by NyOkieSue via Flickr

This will still be my personal blog but I started a new one to include some other bloggers and their inspiration, information, advise what have you. The blog focuses more on self improvement, parenting, fitness, diet, gardening, camping--Everything to do with all of us--the human race and our quest for life, love and beauty.
Hope to see you there!

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Chipping Away

Image by NyOkieSue via Flickr

I now have the prettiest birdbath on the block, along with the Tithonia's I was on a quest for recently. The kids got me plantable mothers day flowers =yippee. I have the back yard to clean up now in order to put the lil pool in. The OLDs is running smooth other than the exhaust leak that is making me feel a little less than bloggish when I get home. Lots of OT at work lately so I haven't been in creative mode due to sleep deprivation and stress.

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How it all began.......

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Well...............I got the refund and i had to make some decisions that i carefully wieghed out with the kids. And the winner is...........a home computer. Kids homework and research, and me---I'd search for my birthfamily. I had been to the library twice up until then but there wasnt enough time to learn how to use the computer alone much less do some effective searching. So we made the big purchase after studying eveything such as price and needs of this machine. This was in the year 2001 btw. I worked 8 hours a day and stole some time when the kids were asleep to get online. It was my quest......my journey ......my adventure. I learned enough to keep my computer virus and worm (and all those other new terms i learned) free. Of course I discovered chat somewheres along in there and boy did that first IM scare and excite me at the same time. I looked to the left and I looked to the right-------then i said "hi" and quickly hit send as though it would blow up the universe. I was hooked there for a little bit ( ha ha). I always had a little window open on the side while i searched from that point on. I met a LIAR from one of the chats. Imagine that? But we wont get into that right now (I met him for 5 minutes in a public parking lot- right before i became a big cloud of dust before his eyes- as i sped off) .....................................So there i was, cigs and coffee and black computer eyes from sleep deprivation . I searched hundreds of adoption registries with thousands of entries. I was armed only with my BOGUS non id info from the state of ny vital statistics and an amended birth certificate with the wrong time and weight on it. But something kept bringing me back to this one fellow searcher. But of course she was looking for a child and i was looking for siblings. (as were so many others born in ny around my time) And of course my birthmom was dead and 35 when she had me. In fact i was the youngest of five siblings. Wow i was just like my youngest daughter in order born==what a coincidence. Me and this woman tried to help each other ..thru millions of correspondence ( you tend to help many others in your own independant search as you sometimes see matches for others) we kept in touch. We had so much in common --------well of course we did. She is where i got alot of my traits from.............She is my birthmother . I was her first child. She was young when she had me. The only sibling i have was born years AFTER me. They werent counting on DNA back in the 60's when they denied everyone the birthright to their heritage. They claim the lies signed and notorized were to protect the people involved in the triad of adoption. But when its a mutual search with the support of the adoptive parents as well --with all adults involved------WHO IS IT PROTECTING? The state registry could have released a confirmation of mutual search and match but didnt. THE ONLY PEOPLE SEALED RECORDS supports are the people involved in lies, kidnapping, blackmarket, greymarket and/or other horrible things that are common with sealed records. Thru my search i had to see where peoples search posts were no more.......they died waiting for a confirmation of match due to needing blood relatives for transplants etc. Most cases the birthfamily was eagerly searching just as hard as they were ..........but were too late.........
My mom is totally awesome --so smart, intuitive, creative beyond belief, and caring. My lil sister has got to be the coolest sister that ever walked the face of the earth. I only wished we could have walked in the same places sooner. Everything happens for a reason though. I guess i'm the one who populated the family lol. I met my dad thru all of this ............there was a sweet love story there for him and my mom waaaaaaaaay back then. But they both moved on ---and kept in touch just in hopes of getting the news on "the baby" ;0)
I talked to dad twice on the phone as he told me about my aunts and uncles and medical history etc. He met a "great lady" and moved away and i never got those photos he promised nor did i ever hear from him again.

It took years to admit i wanted to know my birthheritage and a few more to start my search. But it only took 6 months on the internet to find them.................................... Gotta love this machine.

So back to this Blog thing......................I'll figure it out real soon--------

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