Updates and Memories

I had jotted a lot of things down offline shortly after meeting my birth father yet it doesn't appear I shared a lot on here.

Here is one post:
So there were the headlights from across the parking lot getting closer.  We forgot to tell him what we'd be driving but we were the only ones there.  The truck wasn't truly blue but may have been in the daylight.  Last minute I thought, "what if it's all a scam?  Is it him?  Surely there wouldn't be that many accomplices."  All those thoughts vanished immediately as jumped out of the car with his spoiled doggy now watching from the drivers seat.  It was him,  I knew by the smile, the familiarity of his presence.  It was so him.  Just as things should be, perhaps should have been all along.  But all we have is now and it was all in place-finally.  Love.  Total comfort and acceptance.  This is Dad and I love him.  :-)

Another:
Didn't take any time at all to be comfortable.  First time in 43 years I see my father and it was just natural-perfect.  Within a day I was helping him with his pc skills and fixing the john.  I was even talkin' shit :-)   He has the kind of humor you have to pay attention too.  He doesn't just hand you the punch line--you have to listen for it.  Makes it even funnier.  He is so affectionate, warm and witty. Just the opposite of the father I grew up with who acted as though I was a deadly disease waiting to spread if he were to touch me.  My father was disgusted by any show of affection.  My Dad, who I just now met,  seemed to connect with me like we hadn't skipped a beat.  So much in common,  I now know a lot of things were not environmental.  His good genes were probably what kept me from flipping out entirely all these years.

We even look a little alike.
Everything just makes sense now, as if it all fell into place.  I don't dare think of the time wasted, the days of my life spent without him.  I focus on the fact that for the first time in my long hard life,  I felt like my babies must have when I poured all my love into them with a simple hug and kiss.  When I held them like they were all that mattered.  I finally mattered.  And I don't, for once, mind admitting that I needed to.

Yet another found pretty handy written while fresh in my mind:
He is extremely handsome, trim and charming for his age or any other.  Totally cool and charming, yet compassionate.  Rare to know anyone like that and yet I get him as a Dad.  He is kind to the environment and animals including humans. 

I really want for him to be happy yet I know of no one worthy of him. 

Dad takes beautiful photos, mostly of nature and has worked all his life.  He even works hard on his hobbies and it shows, as his landscaping is beautiful and original.

I've been back home for a week and miss him already.  Our week long visit wasn't enough time.  

I'm looking forward to another visit to my BirthDad's next year. I'd like to see Mom again too although our plans got sabotaged recently. We were to meet in our birth city but I was held up by some pressing business here quite longer than I should have been. Truth is, I am not free yet-perhaps I will never be. But we(my youngest and only dependent and I)  must get a move on. It's time for us.

My Adopted family is gone now. Mom died in 2007, Aunt in 2011, Dad 2012 and My uncle passed way back in 1980. It's me. It actually always has been. Perhaps the whole belonging and bonding thing was foreign to me. I've got more of an idea now though. No ones fault, it has nothing to do with fault. But sometimes we have to just face up to human nature. Basic instincts that we deny most of the time until they seem non existent. Primal stuff. I feel human almost for the first time, or perhaps, the second.

................................

I've finished reading Blackbird, Show me the way, Still waters, and Found   by Jennifer Lauck
They are stand alone for the most part --The first and last book are the best in my opinion. There are some things we had in common and some things quite different but interesting just the same. What she describes about the separation of infant and mother makes a lot of sense. ALOT.

I do now dare to think of the what ifs from time to time. Although I try hard not to dwell. It might have been fine just staying "home". Well, at least for me. It might not have been so grand for Mom. It definitely would have been hell on Grand Dad who would have surely disowned her. I doubt very much I'd be allowed to address him as such. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have wanted to. Maybe Dad could have swung it with a child, after all he dropped out of school to work in hopes of doing just that. Just a curious thing is all. We'll never know.

......................................

Year for Reunions

I just love it when I hear of new birth family reunions. I just read a blog entry on intent.com of two sisters reuniting using adoption.com . At one point, I was looking for five siblings and a grave for my mother--father unknown. That was due to bogus information from my official nonidinfo from NY state. Instead, I found my birth mom, dad and a cool as can be sister. But thru my original search, however, I learned how difficult sibling searches can be. With bogus info, sealed records, and how DNA tests are with siblings--it can seem impossible. It's not impossible though. :-)

What's weird is when I began reading the post I automatically thought of my neighbor friend Suzy Z. as she was born in 65 and was adopted thru catholic charities. I wonder what ever happened to her. Married names on top of adopted names can make a search more difficult unless you throw out the concept of names and start looking into those gut feelings and "coincidences" --it worked for us. :-)

Have a good weekend.

Adoptees ISO Birthfamily

Image via Wikipedia

Hi everyone!


I thought I'd organize some of my tips for you in one spot as opposed to the little bits and pieces in my e-groups that I often leave :-)
Many things you may already know but I'm going to be careful not to assume any of those things here. Many of you may have just made the decision to search. Usually you will find that most people in search of birth family are more than happy to help each other as they find possible matches for others along their own journeys. It's exciting when we that are involved in our own search find a match for someone else from another registry!



Preparing


When you are thinking of finding information on your birth facts:

Always keep in mind your expectations. What do want out of reunion? Do you actually want a reunion or do you just want to know information such as medical info etc? Go through all the "what ifs". Are you prepared to handle any scenario? Are you willing to except less then perfect circumstances regarding your relinquishment?

You must keep in mind:
You're bmom was most likely just young and thought adoption was to your benefit, being told by many she was doing a "selfless act".

But there are other situations you must think of and be willing to accept.
The jail thing, the mental thing, death, drugs, rape, incest, black and grey market, and kidnapping to name a few. Also you may be related to your adopted parents by blood. Chances are these were not the circumstances behind your adoption, but it's good to ask yourself how you would handle these things.

For me, for example, the idea of my mother being a criminal and losing me, was a better idea than to think she was a famous politician that thought of her image. When I realized that it didn't really matter and that what I wanted was to just simply know--I began my search ready for anything.



Deciding



Always keep in mind a reunion may not be wanted by your birth family.
Also there could be painful memories and that is not your fault.
You may not even like any of them when you do meet them. They may not like you.
I've heard stories where they were a "bunch of mooches" that view you as some spoiled adoptee.



Once you go through all the possible negative things that are not that likely, you are ready to begin your search. I think your expectations are very important, yet I apologize for blabbering so long on that subject.


Beginning


Find out how supportive your adopted family will be in your search. You may find they are as eager as you are to learn of your birth family's traits and talents. Ask questions. Do you have a possible birth name to go on? Will social services help in your state? Were you records sealed? Obtain a "vault copy" of your amended birth certificate (it's the longest- most complete).
Get your non- identifying information from the state in which you were adopted. Read it and keep it. Make sure you register with the International Soundex Reunion Registry. They are key. Follow up and keep in touch with them. Make sure they have your current contact info at all times.


There are many registries and support groups on the internet for all members of the triad (birth families, adoptees, and adoptive families) Join them all. Keep your email current with them.


Beware of the following:


There are people very much against you for searching and will act as though they are assisting you while sabotaging your efforts. Not very many of them, but they are out there; believe it or not. That is why it's important to be in charge of your own search and accept the help of search angels. Search Angels are usually legit and volunteer their time while sometimes still in search of their own birthrights.



To protect yourself:



Post just certain info that is needed for a match. Always keep track of what you post. Hold some "cards" for when you truly think you've found a match. That would be some info that only a bmom would know and that you know for fact you have not posted anywheres. It may be a birthmark, heart murmur, some hospital info, birth time and weight etc.
Don't pay money for what you can do yourself. There are a lot of volunteers out there to help you.
There are also stalkers and weirdos out there. Share no more than you have to on boards and online registries.


Things to remember:



Non ID info can be bogus. Yes, signed and notarized, yet completely false. I had a man email me telling me that it was "a lie made up by frustrated searchers". I, in the end, was able to email him back telling him that after a DNA test with motherhood confirmation (with the mother that was supposedly dead) that the nonid info was a lie made up by people trying to get searchers to disregard truth. It makes me wonder how many people this man told that to that would have otherwise found their birth families. I urge you to keep the non id info as a tool, but NOT to limit yourself to it's info. If anything, when you find your birth family--you can all share a good laugh or cry about it!


So remember; your place, time, date and weight at birth can be wrong. You may not have a name to go on--and you may not know what member of your birth family you are looking for.



Also keep in mind, Your bmom may also have false info--so her post may read ISO another date, another gender, (yes true) and another place of birth. There will be some clues, so please do not rule out anything as a result of your non id info. You may want to consider people who are looking for someone a few days off from your "known" birth date. When a baby is placed in a young mom's arms who is in an unwed mother's home, they may very well say "this is your baby girl"---when in truth--well, she never changed the diaper--she also isn't really sure what day it is.


If a bunch of things sound right, but just a fact are two are off--maybe put them on a back burner for now--but please don't disregard them as a match. You may even have a sibling you didn't know of; also searching.

ISRR had found my mom but had to disregard; as my non id info stated that my mom was dead and I had four older siblings. It went so far as to say:

Birth mother regrettably passed away from streptococcal septicemia -origin unknown.
What a specific lie! lol

During my search, I've noticed a lot of Upstate New York adoptees dob 1960-1967 believing they have 4 older siblings yet no one looking for younger ones. Must be it is true of someone? Seems strange.

Also, I've often wondered in a case where there were children prior to or after the adoptee's birth--who would be old enough to remember who?


I had no name to go on and believed I was a child of a deceased mother who had me as a German, Methodist, factory worker at the age of 35, with no info on Bdad. My birth date was correct and I was relinquished in the same city of Syracuse that I was adopted in. My gender was also correct. In fact, my bmom and I were helping each other look for family members lol! We kept coming back to each others searches scratching our heads. We both had gut feelings.


I was relinquished when 3 days old, yet was adopted when pushing 3 years old. I never did figure out the first 3 years of my life. My birth mom had been assured I was in a great home. We were mutually searching for years and could have been matched up if only info was shared truthfully. My adopted parents were also supportive of a reunion.


My birth mom is a talented awesome woman that I am so happy to have found. She is like an angel. She is smart and artistic. I was the first baby and she and my Bdad (that I also found despite false info from the state) kept in contact for the sake of "the baby". How great is that! To think, I was German for 36 years, only to become Irish, Sicilian, and Italian!


My Motive


Point is, I want you all to have successful reunions with your b families or to at least have access to the truth of your origin --it's your birthright to know your heritage. I remember my first letter from the state telling me I have no right to that information. That needs to be changed.




My Opinion


I feel that facts are facts. You can lie cheat and steal, but it doesn't change them. I think that we as adoptees have the right just as anyone else to our birth records. Not knowing them doesn't change them. Sealed records protect; They protect liars, kidnappers, and crooks. When all members are of the triad are in mutual search, who of those people are the lies protecting? There are searchers who have died waiting for the courts to open records in hopes of medical info when the B family would have given anything to be able to help.



Urge everyone to
Support Open Records.



What we can do




Feel free to contact me and Please google adoption reunion registry. Aol member directory: search adoptees. There are also boards and forums. Clusty search engine seems to pull up some unique sites on Adoptee.

This was a vague outline of some tips. I will follow up with more specific links, ideas and strategies. In the meantime, Good luck in your searches and don't ever get discouraged. Look and re-look over some matches you may have ruled out before. It could be a foster sibling or someone other than who you thought you were seeking. Please help one another when you see something on one registry that looks a lot like someone another's been posting about.


Truth-Demand it.

Also know that I now reside in Tulsa for those living out of state who may need some local calls made or a trip to an office etc.

You can help others in the same way if you happen to live in a state they are searching. Sometimes just as much as a phone call can help towards a reunion.

:-)

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Looking back

Image via Wikipedia

original post and comment archived feb 2005

click for another Great adoptee blog

How it all began.......

Well...............I got the refund and i had to make some decisions that i carefully wieghed out with the kids. And the winner is...........a home computer. Kids homework and research, and me---I'd search for my birthfamily. I had been to the library twice up until then but there wasnt enough time to learn how to use the computer alone much less do some effective searching. So we made the big purchase after studying eveything such as price and needs of this machine. This was in the year 2001 btw. I worked 8 hours a day and stole some time when the kids were asleep to get online. It was my quest......my journey ......my adventure. I learned enough to keep my computer virus and worm (and all those other new terms i learned) free. Of course I discovered chat somewheres along in there and boy did that first IM scare and excite me at the same time. I looked to the left and I looked to the right-------then i said "hi" and quickly hit send as though it would blow up the universe. I was hooked there for a little bit ( ha ha). I always had a little window open on the side while i searched from that point on. I met a LIAR from one of the chats. Imagine that? But we wont get into that right now (I met him for 5 minutes in a public parking lot- right before i became a big cloud of dust before his eyes- as i sped off) .....................................So there i was, cigs and coffee and black computer eyes from sleep deprivation . I searched hundreds of adoption registries with thousands of entries. I was armed only with my BOGUS non id info from the state of ny vital statistics and an amended birth certificate with the wrong time and weight on it. But something kept bringing me back to this one fellow searcher. But of course she was looking for a child and i was looking for siblings. (as were so many others born in ny around my time) And of course my birthmom was dead and 35 when she had me. In fact i was the youngest of five siblings. Wow i was just like my youngest daughter in order born==what a coincidence. Me and this woman tried to help each other ..thru millions of correspondence ( you tend to help many others in your own independant search as you sometimes see matches for others) we kept in touch. We had so much in common --------well of course we did. She is where i got alot of my traits from.............She is my birthmother . I was her first child. She was young when she had me. The only sibling i have was born years AFTER me. They werent counting on DNA back in the 60's when they denied everyone the birthright to their heritage. They claim the lies signed and notorized were to protect the people involved in the triad of adoption. But when its a mutual search with the support of the adoptive parents as well --with all adults involved------WHO IS IT PROTECTING? The state registry could have released a confirmation of mutual search and match but didnt. THE ONLY PEOPLE SEALED RECORDS supports are the people involved in lies, kidnapping, blackmarket, greymarket and/or other horrible things that are common with sealed records. Thru my search i had to see where peoples search posts were no more.......they died waiting for a confirmation of match due to needing blood relatives for transplants etc. Most cases the birthfamily was eagerly searching just as hard as they were ..........but were too late.........
My mom is totally awesome --so smart, intuitive, creative beyond belief, and caring. My lil sister has got to be the coolest sister that ever walked the face of the earth. I only wished we could have walked in the same places sooner. Everything happens for a reason though. I guess i'm the one who populated the family lol. I met my dad thru all of this ............there was a sweet love story there for him and my mom waaaaaaaaay back then. But they both moved on ---and kept in touch just in hopes of getting the news on "the baby" ;0)
I talked to dad twice on the phone as he told me about my aunts and uncles and medical history etc. He met a "great lady" and moved away and i never got those photos he promised nor did i ever hear from him again.

It took years to admit i wanted to know my birthheritage and a few more to start my search. But it only took 6 months on the internet to find them.................................... Gotta love this machine.

So back to this Blog thing......................I'll figure it out real soon--------

Related articles by Zemanta

• My Own Adoption Deemed "Confidential" (bilerico.com)
• Mother and son are reunited - after 43 years (msnbc.msn.com)

How it all began.......

Image via Wikipedia

Well...............I got the refund and i had to make some decisions that i carefully wieghed out with the kids. And the winner is...........a home computer. Kids homework and research, and me---I'd search for my birthfamily. I had been to the library twice up until then but there wasnt enough time to learn how to use the computer alone much less do some effective searching. So we made the big purchase after studying eveything such as price and needs of this machine. This was in the year 2001 btw. I worked 8 hours a day and stole some time when the kids were asleep to get online. It was my quest......my journey ......my adventure. I learned enough to keep my computer virus and worm (and all those other new terms i learned) free. Of course I discovered chat somewheres along in there and boy did that first IM scare and excite me at the same time. I looked to the left and I looked to the right-------then i said "hi" and quickly hit send as though it would blow up the universe. I was hooked there for a little bit ( ha ha). I always had a little window open on the side while i searched from that point on. I met a LIAR from one of the chats. Imagine that? But we wont get into that right now (I met him for 5 minutes in a public parking lot- right before i became a big cloud of dust before his eyes- as i sped off) .....................................So there i was, cigs and coffee and black computer eyes from sleep deprivation . I searched hundreds of adoption registries with thousands of entries. I was armed only with my BOGUS non id info from the state of ny vital statistics and an amended birth certificate with the wrong time and weight on it. But something kept bringing me back to this one fellow searcher. But of course she was looking for a child and i was looking for siblings. (as were so many others born in ny around my time) And of course my birthmom was dead and 35 when she had me. In fact i was the youngest of five siblings. Wow i was just like my youngest daughter in order born==what a coincidence. Me and this woman tried to help each other ..thru millions of correspondence ( you tend to help many others in your own independant search as you sometimes see matches for others) we kept in touch. We had so much in common --------well of course we did. She is where i got alot of my traits from.............She is my birthmother . I was her first child. She was young when she had me. The only sibling i have was born years AFTER me. They werent counting on DNA back in the 60's when they denied everyone the birthright to their heritage. They claim the lies signed and notorized were to protect the people involved in the triad of adoption. But when its a mutual search with the support of the adoptive parents as well --with all adults involved------WHO IS IT PROTECTING? The state registry could have released a confirmation of mutual search and match but didnt. THE ONLY PEOPLE SEALED RECORDS supports are the people involved in lies, kidnapping, blackmarket, greymarket and/or other horrible things that are common with sealed records. Thru my search i had to see where peoples search posts were no more.......they died waiting for a confirmation of match due to needing blood relatives for transplants etc. Most cases the birthfamily was eagerly searching just as hard as they were ..........but were too late.........
My mom is totally awesome --so smart, intuitive, creative beyond belief, and caring. My lil sister has got to be the coolest sister that ever walked the face of the earth. I only wished we could have walked in the same places sooner. Everything happens for a reason though. I guess i'm the one who populated the family lol. I met my dad thru all of this ............there was a sweet love story there for him and my mom waaaaaaaaay back then. But they both moved on ---and kept in touch just in hopes of getting the news on "the baby" ;0)
I talked to dad twice on the phone as he told me about my aunts and uncles and medical history etc. He met a "great lady" and moved away and i never got those photos he promised nor did i ever hear from him again.

It took years to admit i wanted to know my birthheritage and a few more to start my search. But it only took 6 months on the internet to find them.................................... Gotta love this machine.

So back to this Blog thing......................I'll figure it out real soon--------

Related articles by Zemanta

• Mother and son are reunited - after 43 years (msnbc.msn.com)
• Understanding Closed Adoption (5min.com)
• My Own Adoption Deemed "Confidential" (bilerico.com)